how do we leave politely?
Tell them I'm going into labor. I will spill a beer and tell them m water broke.
My therapist said that she thinks i may have a sex addiction. I think she may be a terrible therapist.
Want me to drive you to Dr. Drew's sex rehab?
Nah, cause then i cant masturbate to that show anymore.
They are baked and once again have spent the last 45 mins talking about opening up a world wide business called "pickle on a stick"
After the second day the hotel realized I wasn't responsible enough to have a comforter, so they took it for the rest of the trip.
I had my first sober conversation with his roommate. I remembered half way through that the first time we met I was getting fucked on his counter
In my drunkeness I was planning how to throw up without my parents hearing. I was gonna go for a "run" and just throw up outside.
I said:" get your jacket, get your beer and get the fuck out of here"
Firing someone with a rhyme is the new high point in my life.
Somehow those two combined like captain planet and shit went haywire
I told you alcohol was flammable, but you didn't believe me until you tried to extinguish your sparkler by submerging it in vodka and the bottle burst into flames.
I'd be 10x more excited if going out didn't require pants or the general giving of fucks
I haven't taken a solid shit in four weeks. Do you know what started four weeks ago? Alcohol and dining hall food. Fucking college.
I quit life. I got pulled over on my way to work and they towed my car and dropped me off at work in a cop car
He just stays over and makes naked pancakes in the morning
I couldn't find the oven mitts so I used a thick stack of tortillas
he asked me where I was going to school, and then we started having sex, and I answered his question forty five minutes later after we were done. It was the chilliest thing ever.
Randomize
