I'm gonna start referring to my vag as my ladygarden
dude your cousin who was wearing the skirt wasn't wearing any underwear
gross she's a slut
yea she doesn't shave either
I just told her she was a heartbeat above a blowup doll.
So my retainer doesn't fit, so i'm getting drunk so i can put it back in. Alone.
You would...
I lost my phone so I put sticky notes all over my roommates body asking her to wake me up at 7:00 AM.
I am particularly sorry about getting dome in your backseat. And for thinking you wouldn't notice.
I just noticed my teeth are no longer straight. Wondering if anyone had an explanation.
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
Let's knock shit down like godzilla and have intense sex in the rubble
I'm high. ignore me
Does this mean I have to put a bra on now
Found her grinding on my boss with her tongue down her throat last night. Guess who just got promoted!
we woke up when the front wall of the house caught fire.
we went outside for a smoke and when we came back in you were ptfo on the floor holding the phone to your ear. Pizza pizza was on the line.
There's a guy in a plaid shirt running around asking everyone if they want to head butt him
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
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