Did you go home with that guy without me?
Sorry boo - it's pouring and I found a boy with a car
Passed out watching pirates of caribbean with vodka in hand. Woke up to jenna jameson, with vodka gone.
Even water is tasting like jack daniels
we just watched the ball drop on the spanish channel. best mistake of my life.
Stalkers don't have time for showers...it's a full time job
if pee wee herman would have taken a snuggie to the movies he wouldnt have gotten caught
we could easily be the first people to smoke 3 bowls and pound a Four Loco before goin on a tour of the Tillamook cheese factory
Those foam number one hands, are the BEST socks.
I was changing in front of my window and my neighbor text me saying, "nice pubes."
Idk man, most things I eat are even better than I expected. Like when I drunkenly put mac and cheese on a slice of cheese pizza or when I soberly put mac and cheese into a Taco Bell burrito.
All I can think of is a mama duck followed by her baby ducks, in brightly colored track shoes.
How high are you?
Colombian exchange intern from my Mom's friend's ranch loves me, and is staying the night because we got each other drunk. Successful Christmas? I think yes.
Im part way to drunk.
My vagina doesn't have a refer a friend program. You don't get $25 for getting your friend to have sex with me.
Hopefully he gets to dig deep into my body, before he digs deep into my past ..
Randomize
