Stop everything. They have oreo straws to drink milk with and then you eat the straw. I think i just got turned on by a cookie commercial.
um i just realized that some of the people at my family reunion look inbred. thats not a good sign.
hahaha beady eyes set close together? defs inbred.
my dads cousin just put a cig in his dogs mouth and says, "look its a commercial for newport!" holy hell i hope im adopted.
sleeping like a two year old who chased ambien with a bottle of whiskey.
so explain to me why i woke up in jail this morning
because you opened a jar or pickles and a bag of fritos and layed down in the middle of aisle 7 while singing 'la cucaracha'
no more ever clear
i just remembered the time you guys tried to give me an intervention because i was drunk before 5 on a monday
Drunk versus high capture the flag: what team is everybody gonna be on?
honestly I asked the same thing when we had our slip n slide and margarita party
Yeah, I wish I could have one upped you. But all I did was ride circles around a cop on a stolen bicycle while laughing at him for telling me to stop riding on the sidewalk.
most of the afternoon was spent sneaking around my house and alternating which bathrrom to throw up in.
When you called me you were telling a hobo that you couldn't spare ten bucks bc that was your beer money. All your words were slurred.
Fuck him.
I got a text saying, "It's so great to throw tomatoes at seagulls."
I recently had a rabies scare because I thought putting socks on my hands to pick up a squirrel that got in my house was a good idea.
If I had a dick, I'd stick it in some Oreo pancakes
all im saying is 27 is too old to still be drinking 40s, you make more money than me, buy some decent shit
screw you you golddigging beer snob
Our livers are going to hate us.
It's okay, they're regenerative. God wanted this.
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