I got chris browned last night
I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
I just saw the host of Singled Out do standup. Holy shit 1995.
he left me a 6 minute video of him peeling a clementine listening to justin bieber
We learned about herpes today in bio. I might as well have given the lecture
I woke up next to her this morning and couldn't remember her name. Luckily, she had written it on my hand so that I could add her on facebook.
I'm watching intervention which is getting me psyched for your birthday. Is that wrong?
I WAS CONCIEVED IN THE BACK OF MY CAR. THATS HOW OLD THIS CAR IS.
...how and why.
PARENTS ARE MAGIC.
If I die tonight, I want you to have the rest of my nachos. And my porn collection.
What's his name?? He crossfits 6 times a week, works in finance & is into the occasional felony class drug. His name is irrelevant in order to know if I wanna bone him again.
This girl is wasted dancing to The Final Countdown. She's grinding on a guy who came to the bar in a track jacket and a wife beater
Imagine the quality of nudes you could send with a selfie stick
You are an awesome peach made of glitter.
One of the guys just came in and goes "i walked all the way home with a pumpkin". Night just got better.
Is it uncouth to masturbate the night before a gyno appointment?
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