I am engaged
To a real live girl that has met me
I feel like our house is getting pulled over.
I can tell how much and what I drank by my morning shits
Dude.. I don’t care how hairy she is, you already left me at the bar, and now I have to find another fucking way home... NOW BE A MAN ABOUT IT!
ah, there's nothing like waking up to picture messages of a strange man's cock. life is good.
haha, that's fucked up. flacid cock pictures are the mental breakfast of champions.
Is it just me or did a policeman park your car last night?
Woke up on a mattress on a roof this morning with a pair of briefs next to me. Oh fleet week.
I'm drunk in your building find me and we can have sex.
Just an FYI if we break up I'm going to sleep with your cousin or who ever my dealer is.
Telling the family you're going for a run, getting dressed in workout clothes, and then walking halfway around the block and smoking a joint. This is my life
So I'll be starting a scrapbook from all the mugshots of the guys I've slept with
Hey, thanks for not calling the cops when I answered the door naked, high as fuck, and covered in red velvet cake batter.
Your roommates will be treating you to many anecdotes about my intentions to have aggressive sex with you. I'm sorry in advance.
I mean, we were all drinking, but I'm pretty sure kidnapping came up.
You went into the bathroom, got in the tub with a pillow, yelled "this isn't as comfortable as it looks in the movies" then passed out
Randomize
