it doesn't mae me god, the fact that I am god makes getting dressed futile and tedious... btw i am still drunk
So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
You say "arrested with two drunk girls" like it's a bad thing....
She compared sex to doing dishes."You scrub them until they're wet."
i've hooked up with him and three of his roommates and not a single one of them knows about it..think its safe to say i found the silver lining in a boys inability to communicate
You thought last year was bad... a guy dressed as a clown showed up with cocaine
Dont forget the glove box taco bell stash i saved for drunk us.
I was just reelected president of justgotlaidsylvania
I can never go back to Jacksonville. We think I may have punched a child in the face while on acid...
I need drugs. Hard drugs. Today. Not tomorrow. Today. Something relaxing.
How high is the bridge and how deep is the water and what are the chances I will get arrested
I appreciate the I'll come bail you out of jail tone in the text
Sorry I told all the other bridesmaids you were an asshole. I had had a few drinks and it's how I felt at the time.
One of the finest moments in my life was when I was puking in between my legs as I was shitting, and thought to myself "hmm this shall be called shomiting."
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
Randomize
