sometimes i think life is slapping me across the face and laughing, saying "ha ha! you're an adult!"
I just remembered I opened the taxi door when I was at a red light last night and puked. And then when I was done I closed the door and told him he may proceed with caution.
Then he showed me his sketchbook. Every drawing was a hand in different 'fingering positions'. Dear JESUS.
I just did a sobriety test in a tutu.
I keep calling his kid the wring name. This is not helping my cause. And by cause mean his dick
We had a 30 min conversation last night about whether or not to bone that girl with a lisp to see if she moans with one...
The highlight of your blackout was when you drunk showered with the garden hose and emailed your boss your vacation requests for the next year.
I just duct taped myself into my costume. I apologize in advance if you find me in a compromised position involving duct tape and underwear when you get home tonight
I talk a lot when I drink rum. he was going down on me and i was telling him how i wished i could tap dance. oh god
My gynaecologist hit my g-spot today by accident and for some reason I went "at least someone found it" VERY AWKWARD
So our bartender was in the bathroom the same time I was so I ordered a beer mid stream.....is that weird?
Fuck you, dude, I'm not sharing my weed anymore if you're going for the Panthers.
Currently looking up Winnie-the-Pooh porn.
I also woke up in a bed soaked of pee and drunkenly lectured him on the dangers of chewing tobacco... weird night
Heels with jeans turned Casual Friday into Casual Sex With My Boss Friday
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