i have the juiciest gold medal in my pants
do you think i can make that microwavable cake stuff with vodka instead of water?
you should probably use water
i dont have any
I think he was having a seizure but nobody knew because 'what is love' was playing
... there are chew marks on my license. I have no idea.
He had to stop fucking her halfway through to do a shit. When he returned she was still waiting for him. The joys of MDMA
my liver gets a handicap on account of the whole being diseased thing
He will. He has no choice. What's he gonna do? Find a better fuck buddy? We both know that's not possible. I'm the ideal friend with benefit. Minus snoring and uneven tits.
ders ninda duuude pooring goden shots ov glory. I see em an i dont but there hear.
are you attempting voice recognition while drunk again?
They've already turned me into the Dean of Students once because they felt 'unsafe' because I came home hammered and asked one of them to make me a grilled cheese sandwich. Like, I just ASKED!
I literally just ordered a gold medal online that is engraved with his name, "01.01.16", and "BEST SEX EVER"
Today I learned that I have a bigger dick than Draymond Green
You tried to lick the lightbulb and fell off of the chair onto my wife and gave her a concussion. Did i mention you were naked?
Sometimes you gotta do what you gotta do... and then you need to delete the history so you're girlfriend doesn't see it.
I would like you to know, a bag of cheese cubes just attacked me at work.
I'm either hallucinating or there is a dying cat outside my apartment....
Randomize
