Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
Honestly, where the fuck is osama bin laden?
Just jerked off to Cameron Diaz in "My Sister's Keeper". New low.
that was you who tried to jump in front of my car in the monkey suit wasnt it
Just got home and found him passed out with his ass stuck in a Rubbermaid garbage can. He must have been like that for a few hours
I couldn't find my shirt this morning so I stole one from his eight year old sister. Slutted up my outfit quite a bit.
So bored. I think I've expelled every last gram of jizz from my body.
The neighbor just yelled bring me back that big red alien penis.
The girl neighbor.
I peed my pants walking home last night... I just kept walking.
Last time I was your wingman I had to deal with a girl whose only interest in my body was to clip my toenails. I'm not interested.
Laying on my driveway in my pajamas in the sun having my severe hangover cigarette, and the daycare house across the street is having playtime in the yard! I believe I'm currently being what's known as a "bad example!"
I woke up upside down with my head in your ottoman and like a foot of space between the ottoman and chair.. My legs were straight up in the air... Yes. Your mother found me.
I haven't lost it. I know I'm not a prophet. It was a joke.
After the edible you claimed you were talking to my cat. We're in our 30s now, what was once cute is now a liability.
I thought this boy told me to choke him, so I went all in. Turns out he really said “stroke.”
I don't wanna be 33 that's when Jesus died
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