I seem to have left my pride at pride
**i WaNt TO sLaP mY niECe wHO ThINks iT iS cUte tO WriTE LiKE tHiS**
I think we were cool up until the point where he saw that planned parenthood was on my speed dial.
Game over. He has a paternity test request on his table.
of all the people in our graduating class, this is exactly who would get pregnant.
The swelling on my elbow and tongue means I may have cockblocked myself.
You called me 32 times last night just to tell me you felt a heartbeat in your vagina?
You were definitely doing something right. You could only see the colored parts of his eyes a couple of times. I was pretty sure he was dead at some point.
There is blood on my sheets, we apparently used 8 towels, everything in my shower is knocked down. Wut?
By 11 pm the pants were off and there was no turning back. But on the bright side, you promised me your CDs when you died, you even signed a napkin saying so.
Sometimes I feel like I should become a beautician purely for my ability to shave pretty shapes into my pubic hair.
On another note- any interest in going to a gay bar to hit on 19yr olds?
Dude, you were so drunk you were hanging from the ceiling of my car pretending you were a sloth while we were on 81.
listen. i haven't sucked a dick in well over three years but i believe in myself.
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
Randomize
