im at the bar and i misjudged a fart...go home or ride the night out?Never mind, the bouncer made the decision for me...be home soon
She just used a turkey baster to transfer alcohol from the glass to the bottle. Just thought you should know
well, if it werent for her you wouldnt have gotten a handjob in the middle of the bar. so, maybe you should thank her too.
I've blown him so many times I feel like I have a better relationship with his dick than I do with him.
he walked out as i was licking snow off of his car...
Just say you're the husband at the front desk to get in. She's in room 15 at the ER.
what? who is this?
I gave him my yeast infection. HOW THE FUCK DOES THAT EVEN WORK?
The next time you try to drunkenly strip me in public let's make sure it's not anywhere near the daiquiri factory or a group of police officers.
I desperately wanted to wear your shirt.
Ughhh I can't remember the last time "time fell back or springed forward" and I wasn't at the bar to argue about it :(
he said he was going grocery shopping but when he came back all he had was a jumbo bag of pancake mix and case of beer.
the essentials, lol
Too bad pet owners lack respect for my training in ancient Buddhist and holistic rehab therapies.
I'm not sure the Buddhist consider pot brownies holistic rehab therapy
I forgot what I was gonna say, but I'm pretty excited to not be pregnant.
just had an acid flashback in my therapist's office. i am a walking stereotype
Tequila shots and throwing it at a bell.
This is dumb. I'll keep doing it.
at the hospital. Kevin drank straight from the river
Randomize
