Herpes is a lot like Arnold Schwartzenneger. Because it always comes back. Also, because it is usually in some way in control of California.
i can't believe i had my finger in that
Did you know that when you swallow it's like 60 calories!?
That's okay, it's all protein anyway.
I woke up laying in alphagetti with the message "I'd go get checked asap" written out in the letters.
Thank you, bloody toiletpaper I found in the hamper. I was worried that today was going to be boring.
Cognac is not meant to be taken in shots. I just wanted you to know the desperation of last night.
God I love incriminating evidence...wonder what the statue of limitations is on shitting on someones driveway
Just got caught staring at a woman breast feeding. My only response was, "She's so adorable".
If you're in the liquor store 5 minutes before close, and you have to ask the cashier for a coin to flip to make a life decision because "vodka takes you to a bad place," you need to reevaluate your life.
I had to steal sneakers from my man of the night. I dipped. But then realized I left my purse in his house. So I had to stash the shoes in some bushes and wait for him on the stoop. Then after he watches me leave, I run back and get the shoes cuz I didn't wanna be taking my hour long journey home through London at 3 pm in my six inch wedges and club dress
His roommates are gone so we had sex in every room of the house and watched the wire. What have you done today?
This chick walked up to me in the bar and started making out with me, then grabbed my drink while I wasn't looking and walked off.
I dunno. The drunker I get, the easier econ gets. I may be onto something here.
Dude, you need to come and get her. She's sitting on the bathroom floor making hearts with her menstrual blood. And remind me never to let her do jello shots again
You spent the entire night trying to catch pigeons and hugged a homeless guy and then gave him a pregnancy test.
Randomize
