just woke up with an anonymous loaf of bred in my bed and a piece in my mouth. this says alot about my life.
I lost my virginity in that bed. You just layed in history.
she told me her two favorite things were grocery stores and dick.
My mom and I were trying to explain to my sister what an uncircumcised penis looks like. We had some minor disagreements.
at what point did you think saran wrap was a better alternative to shoes?
She was trying to fuck the exchange student from France. His English is really bad and the music was loud so she just pointed to a beer bottle and then her vagina.
Yehhhaaww I'm way ahead of you. I'm gunna get her a card that says " I'm sorry your now ex boyfriend decided to upgrade"
my drivers license is super glued to my shoulder and im to hung over to get it off come and help me
just like cleaning my room and being more organized in my life. more so just making sure a toaster doesn't end up in my car again for 2 months
But seriously I might need help getting spray paint off of my body.... But don't worry about the penis I scrubbed him already
She's officially a Tinder poltergeist.
So this is how i'm celebrating Easter? By eating chicken nuggets and masturbating all day. What a life.
Dude get over here. Steven brought super soakers filled with colored vodka.
I woke up handcuffed to a bed wearing nothing but an army belt. Does this count as thanking our country?
And my butt misses you like the deserts miss the rain.
Randomize
