My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
but seriously ill do anyone in one of those hats with the earflaps.
I froze in his sixty one degree room but i came so hard. Like fucking the eskimo god.
hooking up with my manager sounds like an even better idea while i'm sober.
Have you ever tried running while drinking 151?
Writing apology letters and leaving them on peoples doors for your actions is NOT what I want to be doing at 6am.
I'm sorry but I have to break up with you. My wife is pregnant and can't have a girlfriend too.
His ankle bracelet went off in the middle of sex. That makes a girl reevaluate her life...
I really appreciate you zipping up my pants at the bar. You didn't even ruin my Bermuda triangle.
My nose hurts from that stripper beating me with her tits
I had to talk to the cops at my front door in a bathrobe, with the buttplug still in.
Strip clubs it is bday boy. One condition. I am in full custody of your ID. I plan on being in no condition to coordinate rescue operations and we need to keep casualties to a minimum. You cannot be trusted.
Alright goddamnit. Can I bring my pirate hat?
I insist.
He also has scotch. LOTS AND LOTS of scotch. I think you'd like him!
That is always a wonderful personality trait!
Just had an emotional break through with the dog. That high.
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