Lost my key. Fell asleep on the doorstep and got woken up by host grandma poking me with a broom.
Im sitting in church with a backpack full of beer bottles. This is friendship.
Girl we've come a long way since our first Brazilian wax
Any day that has a special name thats capitalized means you need to need to call in sick and get day drunk. That's why they are there.
I have visions of guys in cheetah costumes with suits over it pissing on a children how are you
I can't go to class, I have all this weed to sell
I just found a voice recording from Tanya's bachelorette party when we found you drunk in downtown being harassed by a crazy dude dressed like a clown and we rescued you. Attached is a voice recording of me interviewing you after we found you. I titled it Carlos Batman.
Being able to fart in her presence and not be judged is why I pay half the rent.
He started making out with my boobs. I didn't know whether to be proud of my boobs or ashamed of my mouth.
Molly was fun. I was in a captain planet onesie in Wal-Mart talking to everyone haha
Right now you and beer are my only friends.
For a man with no legs he was surprisingly good at doggy style.
I don't know whether to high-five you or stage an intervention.
Worst case scenario- he paid me for sex with meatloaf. There are worse thing, right? I mean at least is was good meatloaf.
We'll just play naked Twister, the rest will take care of itself
The lady in the stall next to me just screamed "why are you so hairy!?" and "why can't you get any!?" to her vagina. WTF
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