So he said if we had sex he'd take me to Build A Bear. My virginity is so worth a trip to build a bear.
You're 20.
IT'S BUILD A BEAR!
she was most def 27.5% uglier than a troll, but the sex was great
She tased me when I walked in the door. Thought I was trying to steel her weed.
Dude. He only had one testicle. It was like his whole package was a Muppet Show character coming at me.
Just a heads up, the coffee pot is filled with Jager.
Any coincidence your getting married tomorrow and it's the most predicted day for the rapture? Just saying
Mike is so stoned. I just heard him quietly mutter to himself "rock a piss" as he walked down the hall to the bathroom
You overflowed the toilet cuz you tried to flush apples. you said they were singing too loudly
I had a girl last night tell me that she was happy to find a condom wrapper in my garbage because,and I quote, "well at least you're not raw dogging every slore that crosses your path"
You had your shirt off checking IDs at the door and you don't even work there
My jeans are ripped and her glitter was all over me.. My walk of shame looked like I fucked a unicorn last night
I just bought a blender and 120 pizza rolls. Bring tequila.
I said "one day" and that day is not today
I heard a crunch while giving him head. I looked up and he was eating Cheese Itz. So we made a deal that he'd take a hand job so I could eat them too.
She blew me while I watched the jets game and the hardest thing was deciding what to focus on more
Randomize
