I love my grandma, but if I have to sit and watch one more show on Bravo, I'm gonna burn her fuckin house to the ground
I've replaced the bottom of the food pyramid with alcohol.
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
what you doin?
I just woke up vomited poured myself a chocolate milk and turned on the peoples court. you?
reread what you just wrote and reconsider your entire life
Did you ask last night's taxi driver about his penis hygiene?
My favorite part was walking in the bathroom, you fixing yourself in the mirror, calling your reflection a fag, then throwing a haymaker into the paper towel dispenser before going back out to the bar.
I was unaware that a tutu and pasties was appropriate attire to this
Ummm so I just found the baby pumpkin that was on my porch last night in Village Pizza this morning on their counter. The cashier said some drunk girl came in and told him it was a present.
She carries a brick in her purse. I wouldn't get in a fight with her
Well I tried to call you. I was convinced my body was made of wood. But the Xmas lights in my room helped
Just woke up to the best idea ever. Vodka infused BUTTER. Take a second, and think of the possibilities.
how did we start talking about space blow jobs?
He woke me up at 3 am, turned me on, then changed his mind. There is no way he is getting out of twilight now.
He showed up on school grounds wearing nothing but a suit of armor. Really at this point I'm more impressed than angry.
Good rule of thumb: only list personal references with whom you have hallucinated
Randomize
