i think im the only person who makes thank you cards for their drug dealer
He went bowling in his bathroom.. And shattered the toilet.
After the second day the hotel realized I wasn't responsible enough to have a comforter, so they took it for the rest of the trip.
drunk enough to drink jager bombs out of a bowl on the kitchen floor.
Give us adventure or give us cock. Or cocktails.
How did you get a free t-shirt at the strip club?
I was attacked by whores
You threw up on yourself again didn't you?
They were strong whores
shit went down at the bar when this girl with 'morals' totally cock blocked a married guy. she actually kicked IN the bathroom door when they were fucking in there. then we all did shots.
HOW DO I ALWAS FIND THEM?! THERE WAS BE A SOCIETY OF SMALL PENISED MEN AND I MUST BELONG TO IT!
my mom called me mid shot and i accidentally answered and kept calling her my own name. somehow i thought that would help the situation.
All he did was like my Instagram picture and I'm already planning how to turn down sex with him this weekend...
Dude. Where are you? I'm making waffles in the waffle iron. It's beautiful.
The bad news is that I stole all your drugs. The good news is that ITS KICKING IN!
well i maturbated this morning, which means the best part of my day has already happened.
You know it's really hard to draft fantasy football players in a crowded bar when I have a raging hard on
I took multi-tasking to a new level. I just ate a plate of nachos off my lap while driving to the bar. And I barely got any on me.
Randomize
