My friends, they love my intelligence
So she is eating her margarita with tortilla chips....like using her chip as a spoon
Look, all I'm sayin is $2 boilermakers and an expense account are probably a bad mix…
I think it was you who decided that coming home at 3AM and cooking eggs topless was the best way to end our night. Eating the scrambled eggs off each other's boobs, that was ellie's idea
i noticed he has a cardboard window on his car and he told me he locked his keys in his car and had to break in...this only makes him more appealing
Just came during my obgyn appt. I need to get laid.
Thank God I didn't lose my virginity to that asshole. That woulda been like winnin a raffle ticket for a free bag of dog shit. But with like a really pretty bag. A pretty bag full of dog shit.
When the nurse referred to my vag as "your downstairs", I knew I found the perfect Doctors office.
You threw up in a empty pizza box at Pizza Hut and opened the door with your face. So that maybe why it's bruised.
Sarah is throwing up still and I'm eating salad with my fingers
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
Donald Trump looks like someone photoshopped hair onto a dick pic.
I am eating croutons on my bathroom floor. Are you happy?!
I had to pee so bad that I snuck into the bathroom while they were in the shower. At her request, he was massaging her boobs so they could grow faster. Also there was a laser light machine.
you poured beer in your mouth so you could be a beer pong cup for her to drink out of/make out with
Did it work?
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