i wish starbucks made bloody marys
Just remembered I told my boss that matt used to make me toss his salad like every time we hooked up. Nice
i just found five singles in my underwear?! im suspicious but delighted none the less
DUUUDE!! just found out that the fbi has a kids page. guess who's got a new jumior officer printout badge?
She had her laptop open and there was microsoft word opend and all was written was "no italianoo"
It's a sign that no dudes december is about to start: I have a yeast infection.
I've thrown up twice at work. Just casually, in the mop sink. Then continued to make someone a milkshake. Want some ice cream?
I got to masturbate in Rome in a gorgeous hotel room. Don't try and tell me I need a boyfriend
My liver just had a heart attack.
Last night I was this close to hooking up with someone called "Handjob Pat" dubbed for the time he paid $150 for a handjob in Canada.
I just remember yelling "BODY SHOTS BODY SHOTS BODY SHOTS" while I was streaking
By god, his vagina is better looking than mine.
I went down on her on the dining room table. That should count for something.
I woke up wearing nothing but my red thigh high socks and a blue wig. I have no idea what happened.
I know you're having a really bad day and I'm a little to blame for that and I'm sorry. To make your day go better just try to imagine what people's fuck faces look like.
Randomize
