I still think their baby is ugly. I also still think it's yours.
When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie, you're a dumbass
i'm laying naked in your bed you should probably come home
move.
I just found out my favorite drunk show, Repo Men, is just reenactments. I can't express through words my disappointment.
Lindsay lohan: road to jail is on E tonight. Bring vodka we are not missing an opportunity to make a drinking game out of this
Get to the bar. Power hour leading up to the rapture.
i wish it would rain vodka just once. i have not puked yet bring it on
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
Just learned a valuable lesson today. Don't open snap chats from 3 am the next morning while sitting next to a small child. They totally saw your dick.
UGH FUCK THIS TRAFFIC I WANNA SUCK A DICK
We have hung out 5 times and only had sex 3 of those times. I'd call that friendship
Dude. She was wearing nothing but Wonder Woman panties and a flag for a cape and sneaking around leaving PBR's by passed out people for the morning. She called herself the 'Merica Fairy.
Why haven't you proposed already?
If those panties could talk.
"Once upon a time, Jenny got chlamydia from a magician. The end."
Bruh, I wanna absorb into the deck.
I wanna become a plank.
God I love xanex.
I can't really text bc it's too expensive but I thought youd like to know I just shit myself in a gift shop.
Randomize
