Just got yelled at by a priest...again.
You found a girl to hook up with at a gay bar?
No. His name was Paco. I didn't get it by choice. I never had a hickey before.
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
Whats a good hint for stop bitching im gonna give you head
You left your underwear here. I'm hanging it on my door
Moment of the night: you were impatient while I paid for the tequila shots and proceeded to lick and salt MY hand for me. This is why we're roommates.
the game I always play with drunk me is can-you-button-and-unbutton things? If the answer is no, go home. Usually it's his pants
I normally need adult supervision or a babysitter, but I refuse to let someone keep me from making irresponsible and wrong decisions at the bar on my last bday ill ever have in texas
I was passed out in a bathroom stall. Of course im going to look like shit
It was inevitable. It was like I was a caterpillar and now I'm a drunk and high butterfly
He kept squeezing my butt and telling me how smart I was
I just formed the "shit on a tree in Chicago club." And I feel awful about it.
Stay away a while longer.
Still not sure if they're cops or strippers.
I LACK THE NECESSARY BRAIN FUNCTIONS TO BE ABLE TO PROPERLY RESPOND TO THAT
I would give away three of my own ribs to be able to eat myself out.
...ew
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