I'm going to rape someone's good day.
you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
Too bad my thesis topic isn't "defining a hot mess: a study in drinking, smoking and other bad life decisions."
I just bought 4 bottles of wine in sweats at 530 on a monday night. Fuck law school
You're so wise. You're like my sexual Grandmother Willow.
I picked the lock on the bathroom door and sang him a song while he pooped. Why is he mad?
This is America. Deny every slut accusation or own up to it
This is home. And home is where you find your family. And you try not to make out with your family.
possibly one of my favorite moments was wiping it off your nose after you high fived a bouncer
We fucked on shrooms. It's like his dick was a beam of light and when I came I turned into a prism and my orgasms were made of rainbows.
Listen I took a family sized bottle of merlot to the face last night and there's an svu marathon on. Give me some time please.
She was about to leave with you until you started singing "You Hoes Ain't Loyal" in her face
I just got a text from a guy. The python is ours if we want.
Hot date tonight for the first time in months and I just cut my dick shaving. PRAY FOR ME.
He called out my ex's name during sex.
Alex is a pretty common unisex name.
It was the same Alex. I asked.
Randomize
