Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
she went to pee and i could hear her singing "Drip Drip Drop LIttle April Showers" from Bambi through the door.
I don't know why girls would even talk to someone as drunk as I was.
Your braces fetish is going to end up biting you in the dick.
also. he gave me a foot massage during 69ing when i got a cramp. he's a winner.
She was sitting there stuffing her face rubbing my back with a dorito cheese filled hand while eating something else with the other hand as I was crying.
he just hooked up with some chick in a bedroom upstairs so I just went to sleep in the pantry closet...
Boobs are out for the taking
Oh my god there's only so much masturbating one can do before one wants to fucking cry
Okay. This morning the comforter was wet, you were underwearless and using a tiny blanket. What'd you do??
You walked up to me, grabbed my face and said "I just peed in the sink!"
Our house rule in beer pong, is that if you get the ball in the bitch cup.... you have to snapchat your balls to everyone on your friends list.
I DONT HAVE A FUCKING JOB RIGHT NOW. DO YOU THINK I HAVE TIME TO WASTE GOING BACK AND FORTH WITH SOMEONE WHOS LYING, ABOUT LYING, AND JUST BEING A LIAR? HONESTLY, YES I DO HAVE TIME. BUT I HAVE A FUCKING LOT BETTER THINGS I COULD BE WASTING MY TIME DOING. LIKE ORGANIZING MY POKEMON CARD COLLECTION.
Hungover. No words. Just memes.
He heard our neighbor’s vibrator through the wall, knocked on her door and now they’re doing it
The blonde?!? That’s just unfair! His penis already has a fairy tale existence
Randomize
