Her body is shaped like a coke bottle...a two liter coke bottle
so high. i feel like my whole body is a boner
If everyone lived like me, we would need 5.9 earths. Fuck yes america.
She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
I just realize today that I've dated three guys this year with their own blog. Ugh that's embarrassing.
Ia nefed hefelkp i am a taxi
Also you know what's worse than drunk texting? Drunk leaving soup on your hot neighbor's porch.
probably one of the worst weekends ever... i got peed on by his sleepwalking roommate.
If I come back tomorrow to find a certain football player tied up and locked in your closet, shit's gonna get real.
I'll set him free tomorrow morning ;)
She curled up in the corner, screamed "THE BLANKET IS SO WARM" and promptly passed out with her face in the dogbed. No one bothered to reposition her.
Just saw our highschool guidance counselor at the bar and he's taken six shots in the last hour. Those teenagers have fucking hardened him.
It says a lot about the way my life is going right now that 'there's no shit in your house' is fucking good news.
Last night I dreamed that I got eaten out by Lego Harry Potter.
You should know two things about me,,,1) I am highly sexual and 2) I am HIGHLY competitive so you telling me about how much sex you had with the other girl makes me say "challenge accepted"... you should hydrate.
Tell me again why we had to Facebook stalk your therapist?
Randomize
