i havent thrown up in four monthes, im clearly not drinking enough
aparently i pased my english final. I don't even remember taking it.
Just saw a half naked, drunk, 6th grade math teacher throwing small children around to the Titanic soundtrack.
What kind of wedding is this and why wasn't I invited
i think every time you texted me i responded with 'bathroom floor'
Idk how hard you fucked her, but you managed to leave permanent ass prints on my tempurpedic mattress.
I took his sheets with my when I left seeing that I underestimated my period. Also grabbed a 6-pack out of the fridge because breakfast is the most important meal of the day & I don't do other peoples laundry for free.
Just saw a cougar do the walk of shame. She asked housekeeping where the fastest elevator was.
I've finally done it, I've downloaded some messenger lesbians like to use because some girl wanted to flirt.
Congrats, you're all grown up now.
I FEEL LIKE A GAY BUTTERFLY
Hi you snuggled with me in my bed in a maid outfit
my dry spell has ended & now it's like a tsunami of dick i can't handle it
I found dried jizz from last night on my leg while feeding an infant a bottle. I am not fit to care for children
We are so on opposite sides of the boobs spectrum
Someone took a shit in the house somewhere and I STILL can't find it. I'm just going to move.
So, were you planning on telling me you left your panties in my glovebox??
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
Randomize
