Friends don't let friends fuck ugly girls. WALK AWAY FROM HER!
So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
Pete just told the whole party I'm a squirter
I caught myself masturbating while watching a baseball game today. It was over before I realized what was going on. And then I was just confused.
Do you remember peeing on the wall and then yelling at us to stop looking at your dick?
got extra credit for showing up to class before a holiday. it hit me 5 minutes later that she meant easter....
you're going to have to hot glue me into my dress tonight. there's no way out.
woke up next to the new dishwasher. set the record for banging a new employee to 6 hours...i should be a professional sexual predator
I better make out with at least 3 princesses and 4 animals this weekend.
I have the liquor shits and this time, it's personal.
There are condoms rolled onto each bunny ear of the ears I was wearing last night
Sundays were made for eating Ramen pantless in bed.
Dude why can't I remember anything after walking in from my first beer bong?
It was immediately followed by your second, third, fourth and fifth
We're not ready for visitors right now.
wtf? who's we?
The Royal We: Me, My Vag, and I.
She grabbed the other one and started playing tug-o-war against the blonde chick. I told you getting my nipples pierced was a good idea
Randomize
