He is such a slut. More and more my type.
so later when i'm crying over him remind me that he once called his penis "senor weeper"
The only thing he got me during our relationship was a cum stain in my backseat. I choose winners.
Thats cool. we found a cat INSIDE a coke machine.
I saw your relationship status and wanted to write "Now you can fuck with some peace of mind that she isn't giving that other guy she met online a handjob."
I just threw up all of my lunch in the Barnes & Nobles parking lot. Rockbottom tastes like a veggie burger, in case you were wondering.
Somewhere in this city is a lost rubber penis that needs to find its way back home
I think the cashier could tell I was sad. All I bought was penis shaped food and chocolate
I got unbelievably drunk yesterday, need some time off. Apparently pulling your balls out to make your buddy's girlfriend miss beerpong shots is frowned upon.
"I wonder if vinegar is some sort of magical hangover cure" "...no I was definitely still drunk and drinking vinegar because I was thirsty"
The zoom feature on snap chat videos is the worst thing to ever happen to sexting
Wait, cocaine is okay but tanning isn't?
I didn't want him to hear me sneaking in. The doggie door was the perfect solution.
Guy just walked in with a 40 and a Honda steering wheel. Where the fuck am I?
Good morning 7am walk of shame. It's been awhile.
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