he is naked. in. my. bed. happiest day. of my. LIFE.
well there was some sort of sex marathon going on in my house last night..jess and i vs my parents...and im ashamed to say that we lost and my parents out-sexed us
i'm all for saving the environment, but when we get into the shower to fuck, he shouldn't flip his shower hourglass timer
Well, shes famous, an alcoholic, hillarious, and has big boobs.... Pretty much my only aspirations in life.
I had to call maintenance to come unclog the toilet.
Something to remember me by.
I'm covered in pickle juice. Why do you people leave me alone?
Just saw your girl from last night... Be embarrassed
He would only do it doggy style. The "he's probably gay" debate rages on...
it was really awkward meeting your mom for the first time while i was still wearing the condom we were using.
Even worse we were making a sex tape so our reaction to the condom breaking was recorded.
Just discovered i ordered the nhl center ice package back in september, the operator said there was a note next to the time I called, indicating I may have been intoxicated while calling (no clue why but it was noted)...meaning I was drunk...meaning ill never miss another sabres game...i love me and am beaming with self pride
I put a bagel at the end of my bed so every time I want a bite I have to do a sit up
I dare you to find another dealer that delivers bud to your home along with deep fried vegan burritos
I'm in jersey with marbles.. He's blasted about to fuck a manatee and his entire family is trying to stop it. His mother punched me in the chest for not trying hard enough
I'm going to use this quarantine time to improve my blowjob skills.
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