that john and kate plus 8 dude has ruined asians for me
Do you realize that Last night you pissed in my closet and then walked to the bathroom to wash your hands?
You closed the sidewalk off to pedestrians last night. With a glitter covered safety cone
Dude we got so high last night. I said "watch this" threw a goldfish cracker in the toilet, and laughed my ass off. We watched the dvd menu for 30 minutes too.
I just found her phone in the quesadilla maker...
I flashed a party boat full of Asians yesterday, didn't I?
Just an FYI if we break up I'm going to sleep with your cousin or who ever my dealer is.
I literally got so drunk last night, I texted myself "porpoises" and that was it. I have no recollection of this.
We had sex on a lawn chair while fireworks were going off last night. It was unavoidable that I got mosquito bites all over my ass
Well I think won that argument, as the cops were leaving, they offered me a ride to the airport
My roommate definitely just walked in on me playing the piano naked.
By piano you mean.....
Like literally a piano.
Ohhhh that's kind of embarrassing.
I remember eating bacon bits off your chest that night... I'll never look at bacon pizza the same way
Ryan. I woke up. At the neighbors house. And by the neighbors. I mean the ones to the north. The ones that hate us. Please call me. I am so confused and you are gone
At the neighbors house?! Like in it or outside???
In it on the fucking couch. No idea how i got here.
No one should have to go to work between Christmas and New Years, but here I am twirling in my office chair and putting Jack in my coffee like I’m back in college studying for finals.
When i was leaving for work this morning, i realized the neighbor was passed out drunk, with no pants, and a half eaten whopper on my lawn. Knowing that hey..we have all been there before.. i decided to give him a pillow and a blanket rather than wake him up.
Randomize
