She knew it was going down when I had her search for "condoms" in my iPhone Maps.
I should be sponsored by Trojan
He tugged on my tampon string and said 'there's a snake in my boot'. Needless to say he called me Woody and quoted Toy Story the rest of the night.
I was just given a safe word. It's going it be an interesting night.
And at least you didn't have a dinner of Ranch Pringles and Double Stuff Oreos. I forgot that part of being single.
God I love incriminating evidence...wonder what the statue of limitations is on shitting on someones driveway
He led me to his room and handed me the remote, he left to go take a shower and there is a group of guys across the hall just staring at me... Its like they know something i dont. Help me.
It was like an ecstasy filled massage for my vagina.
That's the best compliment I have ever received.
Just keep in mind that she didn't start telling you you had the largest penis she had ever seen until AFTER she found out about your multi-million-dollar trust fund.
Drunk wound on my leg hast healed and neither has my dignity
My morning started with my mom giving me the number for a substance abuse councellor. How's your day going?
I sent a picture of my balls to one of my best friends, so basically it was an average night.
Denim handjobs are the worst handjobs. I hate all handjobs. Why do people even.
You were a for sure 10. You put on a traffic cone to meet someone.
i just read a article called "Booze, Drugs, and Bipolar Disorder"... i think someone is writing the memoirs of my life
Randomize
