K got coke dick during a threesome with two strippers. Say no to drugs.
So apparently when I roll on X I find 'dick ina box' not only hilarious but also sexually arousing.
and parents always said I was only motivated by money. Pfft they forgot vodka.
Okay you totally passed out. Ask me about the bike parking garage and the expired baby formula in the morning.
Woke up this morning 8 levels higher in Call of Duty then when I started drinking... told you I was better when I was drunk.
I looked at him all bewildered and he said, "what? I figured if it was under 30 seconds it'd be free."
So, during a 20 minute shower I spent 19 minutes spinning in circles and 1 minute licking the wall, and it was better than sex. I can't wait to do X again.
The girl in the white might have stds. I'm strangely okay with this.
How creepy of a mustache can you grow by wednesday night?
She was mid-sentence and then BOOM the hammock broke off the tree. I about pissed myself. Hot Sprite and Vodka make the world go round.
I just sang country roads at the top of my lungs with my cab driver. Tonight was a success.
Listen man, there's two things I know about in life: porn and sound. On a day that I'm wearing khakis, I need you to trust that I know what the fuck I'm doing.
You are not going to get a pat on the back from me for not fucking that 40 year old again.
I'm spending tomorrow doing taxes and making jello shots. Is this adulthood?
YOU CANT JUST BLOW GUYS BC THEY’RE NICE TO YOU LEXI
I CAN IF I WANT TO
Randomize
