I bet i've been more pregnant than you.
I figured he was gay when I walked in on him working out to Flirty Girl Fitness.
I've only been here for an hour and I've already made 6 babies cry.
Happy Birthday
I have a scary feeling my mom might switch her goals from finding me a husband in 2012 to sending me to rehab
Think I can pull off edward 40 hands before class?
You might end up in the wrong class.
I'm a COM major, they're all the wrong class.
I'm not a horrible person, I just see what everyone chooses to politely ignore.. And occasionally say it aloud whilst deeply intoxicated.
He invited me over for shower sex and pizza. Officially the best booty call relationship around.
I didn't know whether to laugh at the fact that a dog bit his balls or throw up cause my dad was telling me a story involving his balls.
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
I thought I was pretty much sober now but then I realized I've been eating scrambled eggs with my hands...
ok so i took my anxiety medication and i'm eating junior mints and i think my vagina will be ok
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
I just woke up drenched in beer, in a puddle of beer, and cuddling a bottle of tequila
Did I just pee in the Taco Bell parking lot?
Yep. But do you remember wiping with my quesadilla?
Want to go to Victoria’s Secret? His fiancée is out of town and I’m going to try and stop the wedding with lingerie and lots adventurous sex
Absolutely! I love a good sexual filibuster!
Randomize
