This guy just walked into class and first thing he did was grab the garbage can, walk to his desk and say "just in case"
Somewhere between catching the stove on fire and not being aware of it being on fire while I'm in the living room. I drank too much.
I had this image of some guy in a taco truck down by the IMA accosting you for a peep show.
Me focusing on not shitting my pants is keeping me awake.
My dad and I just got asked if "we wanted a more intimate setting for our date". The world is coming to an end.
Yeah man it sucked balls. People on the bus probably thought I was fucking crazy. I was fetal position, taking up two seats with no shame whilst simultaneously panting.
Haha he's lucky I don't kick him back into the land of the majestic handjobs
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
If there's one thing i learned from edward 40hands is that i couldnt handle life with bottles for hands
The problem with drugs is that there's none in this hotel
The problem with drugs is that showing my boobs only gets so much of them
In the morning when you read your texts, just fyi you showed up at my house drunk off your ass and shoe less and demanded I go to the bar. You need Jesus.
I don't know man. She said my cock made her promises my heart couldn't fulfill.
Shit is getting real. I just adjusted my search radius for my dating profile to ANY FUCKING WHERE
If we hadn't just agreed to no commitment, i'd totally propose right now. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
So I'm never gonna get to see you again?
Hopefully.
Randomize
