Things on my life to do list: hold a pound of marijuana. Check.
I'm not really sure how I got home, but judging by this headache, i'm assuming it involved bourbon.
I'm going to show my kids 2 girls 1 cup just to scare them away from porn
i ran around the party telling everyone that my favorite sexual position was also the only position that made me queef...i kept calling it the "double edged sword"
If im paying 4grand for laser eye surgery, it better help with beer goggles cuz last night was pretty rough.
Well technically because of daylight savings, I only lasted 15 mintues.
U handed him a box of flavored condoms, winked, and slurred, "grape juice is her favorite."
Apparently she saw two women get in a slapping match over a comforter at target yesterday. She said it was awesome. Clearly I take after her.
Sorry if this is weird, but please don't have sex in my truck. I get to be the first...
I beat my mom's friend's boyfriend in a vodka chugging competition. Our generation FTW.
I ran into cvs barefoot with my belt undone and shirt buttoned wrong and didn't even have to ask. The guy working pointed and said "they're back there."
That's how I look going for the pbr.
Me and my bruised tit have to wake up at 4 AM.
If you hear death cries, thats me singing. Just let me be.
He sent me a website link to GIF on Snapchat. I don’t think he understands how Social Media works.
I just want a man in my bed on a regular basis, who cuddles, and who I can also occasionally hang out with outside of my bedroom. Is that too much to ask for?
Randomize
