As a pleasant surprise..I woke to find a Burrito and Bottle of Gatorade .....Merry XMAS to ME
Exactly how deep of a burn should you have when you pee before becoming legitimately concerned?
Just wanted to remind you that you literally cut the underwear off a man.
i just opened a bottle of wine with my dads power tools
I tried doing a handstand in the middle of the bar and I ended up kicking this old guy in the face and broke his glasses. Thats how I got kicked out
I tried calming him down but his eyes are rolling to the back of his head and he's yelling "COMA WEED!"
Some dude gave me a questioning look as I came out of the women's toilet. I just responded 'blowjob' and he understood, then shook my hand.
I know. But whatever I'll just eat cold pizza and play with my cats by candlelight
It would have to be recorded, because that sex tape would be humanity's primary evidence of miracles
We should get Al Michaels to provide commentary for it.
im trying to look as sober as possible but i just poured orange juice and mayo into my milkshake.
This is ridiculous. I’m in fucking college getting high off a potato.
He's like a Lana del Rey song that took human form
I am available for nakedness
I wore grinch underwear to my well woman exam this morning and I feel like I adulted successfully today.
the funny thing was, all i remember was a liter of vodka and going to oneonta for the night. then 2 weeks later bam, i get a letter banning me from campus for the next 4 years. awesome convorsation with my dad to wake up to.
Randomize
