You are the patron saint of my drinking problem.
i seriously have like 9 pictures of people taking shots out of a vag on my camera....
No, not at all. Pulling a condom out of your vag at 2pm is NOTHING like finding $10 in your winter coat. Stop trying to make me feel better.
It's a bathroom floor kind of morning.
I can feel the fear and stress bubbling in my stomach. Or maybe that is the pregnancy.
What did he say? I couldn't hear him over the sound of how awesome his beard is.
Today is leap day..... If that's not an excuse to blackout all day I don't know what is
I'm drunk, we're losing, and I'm in the visitors stands. This is about to get ugly.
If anyone wants to ring in the new year with gluttony and yoga pants, let me know. As soon as it becomes a socially acceptable hour to drink margaritas, I'm gonna go down on a chimichanga.
I currently need breakfast in bed, morning sex, and a bourbon and diet coke. Make this happen
sitting in a shitty karaoke bar playing pokemon go and drinking a mimosa. how is your sunday night
Found my bra in the fridge. See you in 10 mins. It's gonna be a good fuckin day!
I shouldn't have to tell you to stop throwing knives at me.
i do my most serious thinking while screwing her. ive pondered everything from quantum physics to the life cycle of a badger. if i keep this up ill have a phd in no time.
I'm sorry I missed your birthday brunch. If it makes you feel any better I woke up wearing someone else's toga and a sombrero
Randomize
