You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
I just hope this isn't happening Final Destination style
Travis Barker would totally be Devon Sawa in this scenario
Her vagina smelled like bad decisions
He moved away. I mourned his dick all of Sunday. I feel a little better now.
stripped for him at 3am on my childhood playground and used the swing set as a pole.
She woke up laying on my kitchen floor, ketchup bottle as her pillow, in front of my fridge.
We were squawking at each other for over an hour like chickens. Literally. Never touching the stuff again and never again showing my face at that Denny's.
I've heard so many rumors about me being taken home in an ambulance I'm starting to believe them.
I don't think child baring hips is a compliment.
I just woke up entirely naked on top of a pile of some guy's laundry on his bedroom floor.
Oh shit. My drunken car sex is on Google Earth.
We can't go back there. Ever. No context required, just know it's true.
He has a beach house and a Simba tattoo. Our wedding is next Tuesday, hope you're free.
I promised her before I left that I'd make good choices and then got drunk and fucked my best friend and her boyfriend.
I've been drunk texting you for weeks, and you watched me puke outside your house... I say it's time we meet in person.
Randomize
