So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
Hungover. Be in at noonish. Turn my monitor on and put a hot cup of coffee on my desk so the boss thinks I'm in
I got "discovered a new religion high" last night
We saw a kid playing in poison ivy. We walked away, he'll learn his lesson.
Just mixed my liver cleanse with Bacardi. Best. Thing. Ever.
had a guy just try to take his underwear off in the middle of the bar w o taking his pants off. That kind of Sunday afternoon
I'm gonna sleep with her just to prove to my roomate that shes a slut and he's wasting his time
Thank you for getting us into that car accident. I have had more guys hit on me than ever before because of my broken fingers.
seriously when did my vagina become a soup kitchen for the poor
Doing lines off a plate that says, "things go better with coke."
I worked hard to give you that boner. No one else should get to enjoy it!
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
Oh it's not a problem. Cleaning up the yard and disposing of 75 gallons of Jello is all I've got to look forward to today.
Surely the maintenance men have seen worse than that condom right
I texted her mom a picture of us doing it saying "I'm trying to make your daughter just like you!" she was not amused.
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