Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
I was just at the urinal, started to go, then farted, then said oh yea out loud, then heard someone move in the stall behind me
My mom asked me to donate my child hood stuffed animals to the poor then I realized I was hiding liquor behind them. I told her I was too attached to them. She understood. Wrong in so many ways.
Whatever you do to me, stop, I found yet another blonde hair in my asshole.
I left myself a trail of jello shots, that ended at his door. OR maybe he left me a trail of jello shots at his door. DO I GO IN!?
Hey Im running from the cops. hiding in a bush. when you're approaching the intersection honk the horn twice and I will come out.
She wanted to to do it on top of a horse, I can't compete with that
My only objective is to get drunk enough to forget the last 364 days.
Is it socially acceptable to stop at the strip club for the lunch buffet on my way to the airport?
My dad just bought me a 40. I consider this our peace treaty.
Oh my god, I totally forgot we call your penis "Godzilla's Tail".
You don't know how skeptical I was about letting a guy with braces go down on me
Cause I know you wanna ride the D like a Vespa in ROMAN HOLIDAY
well ya only live once...
that cant be your answer for every horrible thing you do
I’m really regretting these suede pants.
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