Just figured out why my bed smells like weed: I just found a bowl in my pillow case?
Just had a drunken guest at my hotel threaten to "throw a fuckin fireball at my face"
I can't believe I just compared my penis to a St. Bernard.
Gonna bang his former student. Clearly I am winning this breakup.
Its like the unofficial aniversary of the loss of her virginity. And I will be giving tours of the spot they did it in and showing how I'm serious when I say the grass doesn't grow there anymore.
I was to tired to jerk him off, so he made me hold it while he thrusted into my hand.
Stripper with the black hair and lip rings is still asleep. Found out she wasn't lying when she said she was a squirter, it was like splash mountain.
She spilled creme de menthe on her crotch and I told her she looked like a menstruating Vulcan (costume idea!). Obviously, I went home alone.
As I came the Sportcenter app played that "dah nuh nuh" chime. Top ten life highlight?
I'm sorry you caught us fucking in your bathroom. If it makes you feel any better when I tried to put my pants back on I dropped them in the toilet.
I have a hickey in my new work ID photo.....
You're the best thing in my life, followed closely by cannabis and trashy romance novels
This morning, I found 5 naked people in Steve's bed with post sex hair, and Steve fully clothed sleeping on the ground.
I hate when my Bumble matches make it hard for me to stalk them.
So I figured it out. There's two types of shitters. Moaners and grunters. And on occasion there's a third. It's the ill fabled grunt moaner.
Randomize
