My grandmass entire neighborhood is over for dessert and i'm high as fuck...about to make a couple of freshman boys real uncomfortable
Freshman in high school? Just your type
Memo to the bitch sitting across from me at Swamp: no one thinks you're classy with your Louis Vuitton and your Burberry scarf when you're dragging on that cig like it was the last cock on earth and you needed cum for sustenance.
come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
I just remember standing in the shower with you eating chips.
The salesman looked at me like I was crazy when I explained the need for a headboard that had slats so I could handcuff people to it
She was drunk breaking up with me. All of my emails to her were coming back with UNSUBSCRIBE as the subject.
After she lost the bet I made her get on one knee so she could "Te-blow me"
Just realized that St. Patty's is on a Saturday this year in case you were interested in coming to New York and redefining bender with me.
You turned to me, winked, whispered "man the harpoons" and walked out with the fat chick
He's a forty-something balding gay man with no boundaries or sense of social norms. Of course we should befriend him.
Bro, you're like, my right testicle. Can't go anywhere without you.
My pants zipper is stuck halfway down. I have to interview an intern later. This day is gonna be amazing,
I don't know. I'm drunk and dressed as a pirate but ill do the math tomorrow morning.
Just heard a 15 minute program on the radio about how cases of gonorrhea in the throat and rectum are skyrocketing in the US. Almost crashed laughing so hard.
Sorry, who is this??
i love you and all, but can that be the last orgy with your wife?
Randomize
