All I want to do is go home, strip down to my pants, get in the shower and pee down my leg
never try to heat up a hot pocket in the dryer if ur microwave breaks...bad idea.
So I'm driving and this guy next to me at the stop light is reving his engine and honking at me. Motherfucker thinks that's because I'm asian and drive a honda I'm automatically going to race him
...there is blood under my fingernails.
...I hope my roomates are okay.
The mystery has been solved. Seagulls have sex doggy-style.
i finally found my car by the hideout. it was parked in an employee only parking space with a torn up piece of paper in the back window with the word employee scribbled on it.
It's surprise blowjob week. You should be excited.
Fuck that. I'm not afraid to die. I'll prove you can survive on a bagel bites and rum diet.
How do I know if porn I have watched is haunted?
Seeing your one night stand on campus never gets less awkward. Why is Subway the only good place to eat?
Senior week was like trying to herd cats. Very drunk cats.
Apparently you can unlock an iPad by doing a line on the lock screen I'm about to bust that myth
I feel like I should acknowledge that I see you as a human and not a ragdoll sex object
GIIIIRL I AM STONED AF AND I HAVE A HOMEMADE POT PIE IN THE OVEN THIS PARTY IS LIT.
You barfed off the front porch while the elderly neighbors were walking their dog. We had to convince them not to call 911.
Pics or it didn't happen.
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