The next morning she woke up and asked who I was and where she was.
People in love make me want to vomit
I finally had kitchen counter sex! i was so excited
I just spent the last two hours on the phone with Emily trying to explain to her how to finger herself.
She brought an overnight bag to my party. Might as well have shown up wearing only a thong and a bottle of whip cream in her hand.
Yeah, she tried to drown her but then they hooked up.
Just say the word and u can be elbow deep in this glorious rack
This is why I love you...
As long as you don't want to make a shrine out of my eyelashes It's all good
I just want to trick people into going on dates with me so they can bring back to their houses and let me use their wifi.
There is a doctor sitting next to me at lunch talking about the engorged scrotum surgery he did this morning and I am about to lose my professional grown adult facade.
Do you know how difficult it is to masturbate with Christmas carols stuck in your head?!
Was picked up in the middle of a bar full of people...apparently I'm not tall enough to reach for drunken makeouts. I'm proud of myself.
MANIFESTATION IS REAL AND IM GETTING LAID TONIGHT
I couldn't find my contact solution so I thought mixing toothpaste and water would work
Our conversation went from you choking me to my quarter life crisis reeeaaalllll quick.
Randomize
