Jesus was obviously not given an itemized list of your sins before he died for them
She looked like her face caught fire, and someone put it out with a screwdriver.
i just keep taking vicodin and supergluing random shit
do guys with small dicks even attempt to pursue romantic relationships?
I haven't been this hungover since you found me laying in front of your door gagging with pepto bismal tablets scattered around me
I cooked you Mac and cheese when I was drunk and drugged. That counts for about 4 meals. Try harder
At one point I was giving him a handjob and I started singing Call Me Maybe
I don't think tequila will soothe the spots where my tonsils used to be.
We exchanged snapchat usernames instead of numbers. Is that what America has come to?
I should have listened to my dad and mean girls... If you have sex you'll get pregnant and die.
I was wondering why are people staring at me til I realized I was bra-less with a lei around my neck
Ordered a pizza stoned. The guy handed me my pizza and I tried to pay him by handing him back the pizza.
I need a "no soliciting" sign for your dick
I wanted to give everyone gifts as they left the house... So when your wondering where most of the christmas ornaments are I'm really sorry.
Im four hours late for work AND i pissed my bed
Randomize
