Please forgive me. I will pay for your emergency room visit.
i just woke up to seventeen texts from you saying all the things you would have done for a french fry.
The fact that I woke up with my panties on the counter and a piece of pizza stuck in my sheets is what scares me.
She counted 5,6,7,8 then intentionally kneed herself in the eye numerous times.
I need a gatorade, my back cracked, my crimper, my shot glass, a sock of rice and an explanation.
You did this to yourself.
that freshman chick we always see on the weekends walked into art class wearing a jaegermeister shirt and holding a monster, which she proceeded to shotgun with a pair of scissors. It sickens me to know I will never achieve her level
After you threw up you would repeatedly say "napkin" like a siren until somebody got you a fucking napkin.
Just traded a shot of whiskey for a warm PBR on public transit. It's that's sort of night already.
SUNS OUT COOCHY OUT
Being in nursing school really pays off when your dealer tries to pass off naproxen as Percocet. Like I may have made a C in pharm but I aced the pain drug test
So the revenge porn my ex posted just resulted in a contract with a gay porn company. I'm going to make $8,000 this weekend. That would a breakup checkmate. Are you joining me in the legislative committee hearing tomorrow?
I think I've been inadvertently participating in a contest to see how many times I can show up to work hungover in my first year of teaching. And I'm the only participant. Not sure if I'm winning or losing.
But he's super into Jesus and I'm the devil. So we weren't meant to be
My "birthday sex" consisted of approximately 25 seconds of him going down on me in the shower.
Actually new year, new me. I haven’t had sex yet so technically I’ve been a virgin all year.
Randomize
