ok, she started talking about how she swears her step dad killed her mom. starting to back out of this one
It was just a squirrel
You act like its normal to see a squirrel in the bar
can't decide if i look like a hooker or a missing member of Poison today
I just held a marble with my kegel muscles for 5 min. You may call me COCKCLAMP 9000!!!!
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
Hey. Make all the seamen/semen jokes you want. Not many people can say they fucked 2 different girls in two different countries in one week on a tax free bonus. Next up: Italy.
I put on slutty clothes under my normal clothes, im like fucking super slutwoman
Best superhero ever to exist
When have we listened to the rational side of either of us?!
Is this the point in which we come to terms with our lesbianism or is that after you send me more ass pics...
Only thig bad about that muscular chick from the gym is she liked it so rough I had to bust out a few wrestling moves from highschool
i need to stop establishing animals as safe words. Giraffe and Penguin are really awkward words to say during sex
I believe in your delicious
you stood in front of the mirror for 20 minutes and finally said, "he can hear everything i'm saying inside my head. we need to leave." now try and tell me there is no such thing as too high.
The lady at the liquor store in my hometown just gave ran around the corner and gave me a hug when I came back from being gone for a couple months. My life is complete.
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
Randomize
