hahaha! you have a girlfriend
tell that to the new girl at work who i screwed on the washing machine today...
Fun fact of the day the average american will consume 13248 beers in their lifetime.
So for us it's double that?
Precisely.
no. you're not making a beach trip out of my abortion.
He is going to sleep with me. That's all there is to it. I'm 4 for 4 right now. I'm not making it 4 for 5.
I need you to come over. Im crying, day drinking and working out simultaneously.
This guy either needs to stop touching me or buy me another drink.
i woke up and saw you were brushing his hair naked. I can never pass out around you, man.
You kept challenging people to a cartwheel contest...when someone finally agreed, you cartwheeled into some chicks face, then tried to propose to her as an apology. Fyi, she said no
My new year's resolution was to squirt this year. I only have four months left. Help.
He said, "cum on daddy's dick!" ... I pictured my dad. That just scarred me for life.
Don't get me wrong, the sex itself is amazing, but I don't think I will EVER get used to her habit of singing lines Jesus christ super star when she is about to cum.
Who showers for four hours?!
It was like a tropical nap.
I'm trying to drink up the confidence to run in public.
So I was walking to the bathroom and some random dude threw up while walking towards me. He kept eye contact the entire time and didn't stop moving.
last night I learned that if you try to buy tacos in this town, that you will be stopped by three cop cars with breathalizers
Randomize
