never try to heat up a hot pocket in the dryer if ur microwave breaks...bad idea.
I'm not sure what happened last night, but my turtle seems afraid of me.
still using moms red Christmas cookie plate she sent to cut lines on. not sure I can return with a clear conscious
I was fine until "Under Pressure" came on the radio. It's like God wanted me to shit my pants on the drive home.
SHE JUST SHOVED MY HAND DOWN HER PANTS AT THE BAR
Don't text me with that hand
I puked in my fridge last night while I was trying to get water
Heard you were the one that shit off Jamie's balcony. FYI there is a cabbie down here out for blood
Any recommendations for how to tell your wife about the pics of her 19 yr old sister on a porn site without admitting you were surfing said porn site?
My husband has seen you naked more times this week than me. I don't consider it a bad thing since you keep bringing the booze to our house. And because my tits are bigger.
You know what else? He didn't even get to see my butt. And my butt is really cute. Car sex is awful.
No? The only contact I've had with him for months was when I drunk texted him from Costa Rica to say that all jazz sounds the same
Day one of being single and I've came three times. I can get used to this.
It was a "have 911 on speed dial" kinda night
I had to cum in my sink.
Just looked at the TV in the bar for the weather report. Didn't want to walk home drunk during a tornado warning
Randomize
