my phone needs a breathalizer
If a fat man falls in the shower and nobody is in the apartment, does his pride still hurt? Answer: yes
I came home drunk to my night light on and a Hershey's bar on my bed. Mom knows me too well.
I was so drunk. I apparently did a flip over the balcony using it as monkey bars. Ya I hurt a bit today
I have just figured that it takes exactly 2 and a half rums to clean the bathroom..
He just dragged himself across the floor on his back claiming to be "the swiffer" help
I just want dates and sex but the option to have that with whoever whenever I want
I'm ordering a French maid costume for my dog too. It's like a couples costume, except for losers with dogs.
I just try to date guys based on what I need like I am trying to find an electrician now
You gays are geniuses
My bail money is reserved for people I either A, think were in the right, or B, have an awesome story that leads up to needing it. Just remember that before you call me.
As a gentleman whose genital hole is relatively small, you could imagine my reaction
Idk if I deserve a medal or a one way ticket to hell
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
I can't get past the whole vibrator up the ass stunt.. Can we have a ceremonial burning for his dignity because I will not ever touch that again..
She just kept screaming and saying "fucking you is like fucking a mountain"
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