I'm confused about why you felt the need to ask me to buy you life alert for christmas at 3:28 this morning.
Nyquil jello-shots aiding in health and happiness
Thank you for getting us into that car accident. I have had more guys hit on me than ever before because of my broken fingers.
Well last time he got out of rehab he lasted 6 hours. So 3 days this time is quite an accomplishment.
Porch rule of tonight: when you sing, you must use "something" as a microphone. The person to use the most "creative" object gets the door prize...so far Stephie is winning with Jennifer's dog.
I woke up this morning at 8 to my roommates still drunk, hanging out on the roof, and screaming at bikers. They couldn't figure out why they were into it.
So update from last night: I made friends with a coke dealer, I tore the card scanner off the wall of my dorm, and I passed out on our bathroom counter with my head in the sink.
I woke up tied to my bed while she was in the corner staring at me while eating cereal. Interesting night!
The typical response to someone smacking their vodka soaked hand on your face is not to put your face in their crotch
My apartment is also really close to an alcohol rehab in case I get out of hand
Well, I just bought plan b with the tips I made from the job that I slept with my manager. So yeah, that's my life. How's yours?
At one point my little brother was Rocky Balboa'd by a stripper's tit
Trusting in Jesus is not a viable birth control plan.
Help I can't tell if I'm sexually attracted to Bill Nye
Oh.
You came to the right person.
Why were u walkin around mc with a toilet bowl lid handcuffed to u and carrying a stuffed Teddy bear last night?
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