i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
I just saw the host of Singled Out do standup. Holy shit 1995.
Im am drinking whisky alone in my parents basement. I think I just watched the point of no return stroll by.
his Mom's staying with him so he asked if I'd go over and fuck in his shed. he said "it's a really nice shed"
I just want you to know that if I ever had to fight man eating flowers or flying turtles to save my friends they'd be fucked. No one's worth all that bullshit. PS I really need to stop playing Wii while drunk.
I had to physically hold you down to stop you from going out the window naked. You put up quit the struggle.
Why does it always end up with me crying in my car.
We learned a lot about one another. I showed him around the town I grew up in and he informed me that he has had a threesome and killed a cat
So I feel like I should feel objectified by your comment about my boobs but instead I just feel proud. 21ST CENTURY FEMINISM, BABY
Went to bed with a bowl of spaghetti O's on my chest, I make my own breakfast in bed. New level of laziness
They're playing house music in my dentists office again, wtf is wrong with these people. That's not the music you want to get a root canal to
This is what we get for finishing a whole box of Franzia by ourselves
Whats a polite way to say 'if you havent put on a freshman 15 i would like to see you during break'?
ya well i woke up to my roommate spraying me with windex...
I’m the skeleton in his closet, but I only come out on Tuesday and Thursday afternoon and when his wife is out of town
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